Tag Archives: compliments

Remember how, when you were a kid, your parents always told you: “Don’t talk to strangers.”  Was that good advice?

For kids, that has always been good advice.  When kids talk to strangers, they can get into all kinds of trouble.  But what about adults?

The Wall Street Journal has just highlighted a study that endorses talking to strangers.  When you’re an adult, that is.

Writer Elizabeth Bernstein noted some recently published research demonstrating that people actually like talking to strangers.  According to a study conducted by Gillian Sandstrom, a professor at the University of Sussex, talking with strangers can be a good thing.  “Small talk” with people you don’t know can actually soothe or support us when no one else is around.  Even conversations about boring topics, like the weather, can be more enjoyable than most of us expect.  They can boost our mood and help “broaden our perspective.”

How?

Because humans have a fundamental need to feel valued and part of a community, our mental and physical health can suffer when no one in our lives meet that need.  If we try talking to strangers, we may feel connected, putting us in a better mood.  It can also expose us to new information, about ourselves and about others.

Further, if you’re troubled by something in your life, it can be surprisingly helpful to talk to someone you don’t know.  Strangers can see things differently and be more objective.

According to Sandstrom’s research, we can change how we see other people and the world around us, encouraging us to be more trusting and increasing our perception that other people are kind and good.

Problem:  In 2005, researchers started tracking how many words people speak each day.  We are now speaking less—an average of 338 fewer words a day, adding up to about 120,000 fewer words a year.

Why?  Probably because we do so much today through a screen, ordering everything from coffee to shoes to medical prescriptions.  We get many of our choices delivered to us instead of getting them in a store or restaurant.  More people are also working from home, so they have fewer opportunities to talk to colleagues. This means fewer chances to share a laugh or get a recommendation or simply chat with other humans.

A lack of this kind of chitchat can mean a dearth of relationships that could turn into friendships or even romances.

Don’t worry about “boring” other people.  Research shows that even when people talk about boring topics, they enjoy the conversation anyway.  It’s the sharing and listening and being heard that make them feel better.

If you’re reluctant to talk to strangers, writer Bernstein promotes using an acronym that helps you get started:  QUICK.  QU stands for “question.”  You can ask someone “How’s it going?” or “Is there a good restaurant nearby?” 

IC stands for “in common.”  The weather is a topic we all have in common.  Talking about it is a good starting point.  And “K” stands for “kindness.”  You can try complimenting someone.  It gives you a reason to get some chitchat going.  (I hasten to advise you to stick to innocuous compliments.  Don’t get too personal.  Choose a compliment on something like a jacket or a sweater.) 

If the other person isn’t “willing to engage,” Bernstein recommends trying to talk to someone else.  I agree.  As A.I. encroaches further and further into our lives, human interaction is more important than ever.

I’m happy to admit that I often try to strike up conversations with strangers when I’m waiting in a line or sitting in an MD’s waiting room.  It can help pass the time, and it usually turns out well.

You might want to try it yourself sometime. 

By the way, “How’s it going?”